The Truth Hurts

This will probably be the longest and most transparent blog I have written to date. However it is necessary. Just maybe my transparency may also be able to help someone else. Normally, I schedule all of my medical appointments around my birthday. I used to think of them as a birthday present to myself. However, I recently got off track due to a change in health insurance. So 2017 through most of 2019 saw me fall keeping up with my appointments like I used to.

Fast forward to 2019. New job, new insurance, new healthcare home. It started with some issues that I needed to see a doctor for to address. My body was going through some changes and I needed to understand what was going on. I had tests, a biopsy and just as suddenly as the issue started, the issue resolved itself. However, my body was my temple and it was up to me to take care of it. One of my major health issues is hypertension. I was diagnosed with it at 26. Some of it could have been attributed to stress, I was working a mildly stressful job, but I was also overweight. The most difficult thing during that time was going to the doctor and seeing morbidly obese on the checkout form I was given at the conclusion of each visit.

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Now in my mind that was a disrespectful stretch. Morbidly Obese? Yes my weight was in the 200’s but I could move, I was not bedridden and at the time the only co-morbidity was the hypertension. Which I attributed in part to a stressful job. So I though I was fine, and my doctor was mean. Then came he sleep apnea, then the pre-diabetes, then the increase in blood pressure medication. Surely I was wrong and the doctors observation was right.

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Then I dated someone who was diabetic. Not only diabetic but non-compliant and diabetic. He didn’t want to take his medication, which consisted on pills and insulin injections, he did not take his health serious and it was not a good thing to witness. He had several hospitalizations. His lab numbers were through the roof. I am sure many physicians felt that he was just a person who was living on borrowed time. His life was a lesson for me.

Shortly after we broke up I looked in having weight loss surgery. I had seen how life as a diabetic could be, the worst of it, however I wanted no part of it good or bad. I went through the steps. Anyone who thinks having weight loss surgery is easy has absolutely no idea how hard it is. The one or two hours of My 600 lb life, don’t even begin to touch the surface of the lengthy and emotional process weight loss surgery is. It is not for the faint at heart or the undetermined.

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So fast forward almost 5 years post weight loss surgery, where I should be living life at my goal weight, which I never reached, and here we are again. Where is that you may ask, lab numbers not reflecting what I want. Addition to the blood pressure medication. The worst is that since we have been at home in quarantine, I have gained 12 pounds. 12 frickin pounds!!! I feel like I have failed. Honestly, I have and there is no one to blame but myself.

I have to admit, there were some dark days during quarantine. I could definitely feel depression creeping in. I am fortunate to have a wonder life mate an talking to him helped me to put things in perspective and feel better. I also conquered my fear of leaving the house and started to get out, just to go to get groceries or to the doctor, but it was out of the house. I had also acquired a taste for specific fresh baked peanut butter cookies, which became my afternoon companion while I attended afternoon work meetings. So when I went to the doctor, maybe I should not have been that surprised but it still hurt.

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Taking an honest look at myself I now know and understand that I set myself up to fail a long time ago. I am a very intelligent woman and being a psychologist, I know the truth that if you fail to plan, you plan to fail. I have never really had a plan. A real plan. A plan that would sustain me and keep me from never reaching my goal weight because the honest answer is I never really had a goal weight. Yes, I could give the doctor some numbers a range that I thought was right for me. Did I really think I would make it there, no.

Did I think surgery would solve all of my problems, no. Did I think it would give me a good jumpstart, yes. Is that what it was supposed to do? Yes. But there was more work that I needed to do that surgery could not solve. So now what?

I know that I have to take a good, long and difficult look at my life. Where did my relationship with food become this co-dependent, dysfunctional spiral that has led me to be morbidly obese? What do I need to do to change this relationship and what is my goal or ideal weight? What do I want and need from my body and most importantly what does my body need from me? I need to figure out the answers to these questions.

One thing that I do know is that it will be a journey. I did not become morbidly obese over night and it will not go away over night. It is going to take some soul searching, some hard work and some dedication to make the necessary lifestyle changes needed to become the person I desire to be. I am documenting this journey here because as I said at the beginning, my transparency may be able to help someone else.

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I know that I am not alone. Obesity is a major issue in our society and one that far too many people suffer from. I know that I am not alone on this journey. I have a wonderful life partner who is on this journey with me and now I have more people with me because I am sharing my life changes with all of you. WE can do this. I can do this. I will do this.

I will keep you all updating on my progress.

Be Blessed, Be Fabulous and Be Healthy!

I Love Me

Love your body

As I was browsing through Facebook today I came across a question that said “do you love your body?”   It made me think about what I feel about my body.  My body and I are going through some changes.  Almost a year ago I had weight loss surgery.  It was a difficult decision to make and it was and continues to be one of the most difficult yet rewarding things I have ever done.  I have seen and heard all of the arguments about surgery being an easy way out or a quick fix but that is one of the biggest lies every told.  If anyone every wonders how easy it is I welcome them to watch my 600 lb. life.

My 600lb life

While not everyone is 600 lbs. and up, obesity in this country is a reality for far too many people.  So while I was never 600 pounds, this show can give those who don’t know the struggle or the journey a glimpse into what it is like to live with obesity and the process of having weight loss surgery which is an all too often long and tedious process.

body acceptance

So back to the question at hand do I love my body?  The honest answer is that it is a struggle.  There are some days when I love my body, the curves, the scars, the imperfections and then there are days where it seems that every flaw is magnified.  I can honestly answer that I LIKE my body and each day I am growing closer to loving it.  This has been a long process.  There was once a time when I HATED my body.  I am happy that I can now say that 90% of the time the response is more positive than negative.

What about you?  How do you feel about your body?  Do you like it, love it or loathe it?