The Hardest Thing

the hardest thingl

Lately, my life has been in a holding pattern, I would dare say a self-imposed holding pattern.  There are things that are going great in my life and things that are not so great.  There have been struggles, victories and days where I just wanted to stay in bed and eat a bucket of French vanilla ice cream.  There have been some high highs and some low lows. What I am beginning to realize is that I have been my own worst enemy.

There have been times in my life where I felt that I didn’t deserve the good things, the easy things and that everything would be a fight, a struggle a WWE level wrestling match.  While my job and career are spent to a large degree helping and motivating others, there are times when I lack self-motivation and I find myself needing to be motivated, helped and pushed.  I am just keeping it real, there are some days where it is a real struggle.

There are times when it takes as much energy to smile as it does to lift a 200lb weight, and the tears come from out of the blue and flow non-stop.   There are times when I have to repeatedly remind myself of all of the blessings around me and all of the things I have survived, endured, overcome, but it still feels as though it is just not enough.  Then there are times when on this entrepreneurial journey, where I question if leaving the comfort of my 9-5 was worth it, even though I know the job was killing me emotionally and mentally.  There are the times when there are more bills than money and more responsibilities than time in the day.

There are those moments when you make every attempt to be vulnerable and helpful only to end up misunderstood and judged.  The people you thought knew you best turn out to be as much of a stranger as people you don’t know at all.  You put on the makeup, the hair, the perfect outfit but you are no more than a mannequin on display for those around you.  The face is smiling but the eyes say nothing.

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The reality of the situation is that sometimes the hardest thing to do is to love yourself and the life you are living.  The other hard thing to do is to change your thinking, change your circumstances and change your situation.  Henry Ford said, “Whether you think you can or think you can’t you are right”.  How true and powerful that statement is.  It is often hard to find peace in the darkness because the light exposes too much.

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I have come to realize that I am in a valley.  Not buried, definitely not dead but in a valley.  And while there are some not so good things in the valley, you can also find some great things in the valley.  So while I journey through this valley experience I can say with firm conviction:

I am ok

I am going to make it

I won’t be in the valley forever

Look out for the person that emerges from this valley; she will be a conqueror

This valley will make me stronger, wiser and better

 

Be Blessed Be Fabulous!

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#MeTOO

kindness-quotes-5WARNING…

This post may be triggering for those who have experienced sexual trauma.

This hashtag has been all over the internet recently.  While it can be good as a tool to bring light to the millions of women who have survived sexual assault, sexual abuse, rape, unwanted sexual advances, it can also be a trigger for so many.  Women everywhere you an old, rich and poor, famous and not so famous are hashtagging #metoo, while at the same reliving some of the most disheartening and traumatic experience one can every endure.

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As a survivor, this hashtag reminded me of what I have overcome but it also reminded me of the pain and struggle I had to endure to get from a place of overwhelm to overcome.  Here is a little of my personal story:

There is no secret in my family that I was molested as a child.  This person was allowed to go free and has never been prosecuted to this date.  It has been brought to light that there are other victims, many, he is a serial child molester.  He is a monster.  Unfortunately, the statute of limitations has run out for me to press charges or do anything about the situation other than tell my story and be as open and as honest about what happened to me.

After years of being ashamed about the situation, in college I finally found the courage to speak up because other friends shared their experiences.  I was in the comfort of other who had their #metoo moments.  After years of being angry and upset at my family for not protecting me, I learned how to no longer allow myself to be a victim of my circumstances.  Circumstances that I did not ask for and circumstances that I did not deserve.

What I share today is that there are signs, parents.  From my own experience and from my studies in the field of psychology, there are signs.  Parents, pay attention to who you bring around your children.  Trust their instincts and not just your own.  Look for the innocence to be lost, you can see it in their eyes.  When their happiness is replaced with heaviness pay attention, ask questions, observe.  Be prepared to protect your child period.  enough said.  Keep an open relationship with your child and have frequent dialogue with that child.  Talk to them and not AT them, there is a difference.

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For my fellow survivors, it is not and never was your fault.  It was not how your dressed, your behavior, your attitude your nothing.  It had nothing to do with you.  It never does. The reality is that there are a lot of sick bastard in this world and more often than not, due to our silence or the silence of those around us, they stay protected.  How many of these people are still roaming around, preying on women with low or no self esteem, or those women who are working hard, and who feel that their children are with a trusted partner, neighbor or friend?  We need to be more intentional about calling them out and naming the disease so that it can be eliminated and not allowed to happen to anyone else.

The whole #metoo thing, I am not sure exactly how I feel about it.  I know it is hard for some women to see that hashtag and know what it means, what it really means.  I also know that for other women it is a form of victory.  It is a way to take the power back and to know that there are countless others that share their pain.  More importantly, it is a signal that there is so much more work to be done.  Work on personal levels, collective levels, legal levels and definitely religious levels.  However you may feel about the topic, not that the pain is real, but also know that you can be free of the pain, emotional heaviness and blame that the movement may bring up.  For those who may be going through it now, hopefully something or someone gives you the courage to speak up and get out of the situation, whether it is at home, at work, at school, wherever.  I pray that we all continue to work and take out power back.  Now that is a better hashtag #takeourpowerback!

Be Blessed!  Be Fabulous! Be Fearless!

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