It has been oh so long since I have written. Why? I can’t really say. So many reasons, no real reason at all. Mainly it was the pandammit (pandemic). It really did take a lot away from many of us. Some people lost loved ones, some people lost their jobs, some people lost their sanity. The vast amount of uncertainty with the added stress of news reports, to vaccinate or not to vaccinate and everything in between. It has been exhausting.
Figuring out a new way of living and navigating daily life has been hard. Really hard. Wearing a mask everywhere you go. Not the phony half smile, pretend mask we used to wear, but now we are actually wearing masks. Everywhere. All day everyday. From the time we leave the confines of our homes until the time we return…masks. And to be honest being nervous if you forget to mask or being in the presence of someone without a mask. Life as we know it is just different. The more things change, well the more they are changing.
I was able to change jobs during the pandemic. Moving from working from home 100% to being in an office 99% of the time. In the midst of a pandammit. It appears that COVID is not going anywhere and we just have to figure out how to live with it. Kind of like a chronic recurring boil that never really healed and never really left. Just there waiting to come back at the most inconvenient time, whenever it wants to no matter what you think or feel.
So my absence wasn’t personal or neglectful. It was necessary. COIVD caused a mild depression to kick in. Then there was the stress of the old job, then the stress of changing jobs, then the stress of the new job. So much going on, while still learning and navigating the new normal and the new way of living.
All that to say that I am back. I have missed blogging, missed my audience, missed the interaction. There is so much to get caught up on and so much to share, so stay tuned.
This will probably be the longest and most transparent blog I have written to date. However it is necessary. Just maybe my transparency may also be able to help someone else. Normally, I schedule all of my medical appointments around my birthday. I used to think of them as a birthday present to myself. However, I recently got off track due to a change in health insurance. So 2017 through most of 2019 saw me fall keeping up with my appointments like I used to.
Fast forward to 2019. New job, new insurance, new healthcare home. It started with some issues that I needed to see a doctor for to address. My body was going through some changes and I needed to understand what was going on. I had tests, a biopsy and just as suddenly as the issue started, the issue resolved itself. However, my body was my temple and it was up to me to take care of it. One of my major health issues is hypertension. I was diagnosed with it at 26. Some of it could have been attributed to stress, I was working a mildly stressful job, but I was also overweight. The most difficult thing during that time was going to the doctor and seeing morbidly obese on the checkout form I was given at the conclusion of each visit.
Now in my mind that was a disrespectful stretch. Morbidly Obese? Yes my weight was in the 200’s but I could move, I was not bedridden and at the time the only co-morbidity was the hypertension. Which I attributed in part to a stressful job. So I though I was fine, and my doctor was mean. Then came he sleep apnea, then the pre-diabetes, then the increase in blood pressure medication. Surely I was wrong and the doctors observation was right.
Then I dated someone who was diabetic. Not only diabetic but non-compliant and diabetic. He didn’t want to take his medication, which consisted on pills and insulin injections, he did not take his health serious and it was not a good thing to witness. He had several hospitalizations. His lab numbers were through the roof. I am sure many physicians felt that he was just a person who was living on borrowed time. His life was a lesson for me.
Shortly after we broke up I looked in having weight loss surgery. I had seen how life as a diabetic could be, the worst of it, however I wanted no part of it good or bad. I went through the steps. Anyone who thinks having weight loss surgery is easy has absolutely no idea how hard it is. The one or two hours of My 600 lb life, don’t even begin to touch the surface of the lengthy and emotional process weight loss surgery is. It is not for the faint at heart or the undetermined.
So fast forward almost 5 years post weight loss surgery, where I should be living life at my goal weight, which I never reached, and here we are again. Where is that you may ask, lab numbers not reflecting what I want. Addition to the blood pressure medication. The worst is that since we have been at home in quarantine, I have gained 12 pounds. 12 frickin pounds!!! I feel like I have failed. Honestly, I have and there is no one to blame but myself.
I have to admit, there were some dark days during quarantine. I could definitely feel depression creeping in. I am fortunate to have a wonder life mate an talking to him helped me to put things in perspective and feel better. I also conquered my fear of leaving the house and started to get out, just to go to get groceries or to the doctor, but it was out of the house. I had also acquired a taste for specific fresh baked peanut butter cookies, which became my afternoon companion while I attended afternoon work meetings. So when I went to the doctor, maybe I should not have been that surprised but it still hurt.
Taking an honest look at myself I now know and understand that I set myself up to fail a long time ago. I am a very intelligent woman and being a psychologist, I know the truth that if you fail to plan, you plan to fail. I have never really had a plan. A real plan. A plan that would sustain me and keep me from never reaching my goal weight because the honest answer is I never really had a goal weight. Yes, I could give the doctor some numbers a range that I thought was right for me. Did I really think I would make it there, no.
Did I think surgery would solve all of my problems, no. Did I think it would give me a good jumpstart, yes. Is that what it was supposed to do? Yes. But there was more work that I needed to do that surgery could not solve. So now what?
I know that I have to take a good, long and difficult look at my life. Where did my relationship with food become this co-dependent, dysfunctional spiral that has led me to be morbidly obese? What do I need to do to change this relationship and what is my goal or ideal weight? What do I want and need from my body and most importantly what does my body need from me? I need to figure out the answers to these questions.
One thing that I do know is that it will be a journey. I did not become morbidly obese over night and it will not go away over night. It is going to take some soul searching, some hard work and some dedication to make the necessary lifestyle changes needed to become the person I desire to be. I am documenting this journey here because as I said at the beginning, my transparency may be able to help someone else.
I know that I am not alone. Obesity is a major issue in our society and one that far too many people suffer from. I know that I am not alone on this journey. I have a wonderful life partner who is on this journey with me and now I have more people with me because I am sharing my life changes with all of you. WE can do this. I can do this. I will do this.